Dentures are so sexxxy, aren’t they Kaity?

This was so funny. Jessica showed it to me late the other night. I’m still not exactly sure what it is, but I could relate to it so, so well… This guy is my hero. Jessica, you’re so smart and funny…

There was a lot more I was going to blog about but I’ve been so distracted recently… I’ve been trying to clean through EVERYTHING I own and it’s been amazing and cathartic in its own light. I had a great evening with Kaity and Stuart last night, and really cleaned up at Amazing Savings. Oh, the finer things in life. I got beautiful boxes to store things in for after all that cleaning, and truly necessary things like this bright baby pink glittery plastic butterfly key chain that you can put a small photo in. God how I love baby pink. And plastic. And glitter. Sometimes I just don’t know where I come from. It was 39 cents. But it was priceless to me. And oh, the photo. I’m wondering who I’d like to put in there…

My professions have been a lot more rewarding self-fulfilling lately too. I feel like such a good marketer the way I sold so much wine over the weekend, and felt so in my element promoting Jack Daniels later that evening. I really am growing into my promotional specialist position and I like it. I had a great photo shoot over the weekend too, and I can’t wait to see [and post] the pictures of it soon. It was the first bikini shoot I ever felt produced really acceptable photos.

It’s All About Me, Me, Me…

Note the sarcasm in the subject line… Where have I heard that line before?

I finally updated the look to the Page About Me. I hope it’s an improvement. The old page was getting so… Unprofessional looking. I mean, if you were on a lot of psychedelics in the 60’s, listening to The Association, trying to suppress some traumatic early childhood memory, it might have been suiting. Or in 1998. Whichever. But I hadn’t realized how strange it looked until recently. Oh well. The new page is not fully redone, but at least it’s more updated.

I included in my updated page this drawing done by one of my ex-co-workers, Chelsea Jackson [she was so sweet]. I had two female co-workers during my work at the Youth Barn, Chelsea Jackson and Taylor Ramos, both of who were amazing. They were both kind, sensitive, artistic, and good listeners. I’m rather lucky I had them. Doesn’t this drawing look very sixties? It’s so flattering.

Drawing By Chelsea Jackson

A Haunting

It’s the kind of show that’s probably been done a hundred times over, that you say you have no investment in and can’t possibly take seriously, that your friends make fun of you for watching: and it’s perfect. A Haunting is one of the scariest television series I have seen in a long, long time: the most frightening aspect of it that all of the episodes are based allegedly on real experiences people have reported. It’s an hour-long dramatic re-enactment, complete with witness interviews and actors that rarely look anything like them, like an extended scene from Unsolved Mysteries. And while much of the acting is cliche and predictable [I sometimes consider I could begin my acting career on a show like this], the message behind it pummels through, thriving on your unconscious willingness to believe.

I started watching this show at the gym as a way to pass the time on the treadmill. This turned into an addiction, bringing me to plan workouts around this show, remaining on the treadmill long after I am tired, waiting until the conclusion of each episode. While watching, with my headphones, I would gasp out loud and jump involuntarily at times; God forbid anyone came near me inadvertently to get paper towels from the dispenser next to me. I found myself captivated by every episode of these shows, the concepts and re-enactment of them filling my mind and soul with wonder, answers, fear, and possibilities, part of me wanting to know more about all these experiences, part of me never wanting to know at all.

I knew it was just a television show. I knew anyone is capable of making up stories of experiences, or rather interpreting experiences they have to perceive them in a vein of paranormal phenomenon. Still images and concepts from the show would terrify me and at night I sometimes consider how real they are… Or rather, if they could happen to me.

My friend has told me that she sometimes gets very frightened of things like this, and I told her as a child I used to be absolutely terrified myself, for years, until an experience I had when I was fourteen. I said after that I never felt afraid of the paranormal in the way I used to… But now I’m beginning to question that again.

If you like shows like this… It’s a good show.

The End Of The Cutting Room

Most of you reading this probably have been to The Cutting Room in NYC, if not at least heard of The Cutting Room. It’s an intimate club on W 24th street in Manhattan. Chris Noth is one of the co-owners. Many different people have performed there such as Donovan, Norah Jones, Sheryl Crow, Pete Best. Likely while seeing these acts, you would run into other names in the audience worth later dropping, such as May Pang who sat near me while I saw Pete Best. I’ve been there a handful of times to see various Monkees. Jerry Renino’s Memorial was held there. It’s appeared on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and I’m sure has been sampled in other programs.

Unfortunately, according to an article a friend of mine sent me, The Cutting Room is closing. I don’t know how I feel about this. While I went there less frequently than others I know, such as Kaity and Stuart, I took its omnipresent existence in my life for granted. It’s sad and strange to see it close. I can’t really conceive of it not existing. Perhaps, as the blog states, “The room will be back … of that I am very sure.”

Myself And Pete Best At the Cutting Room 2007

For you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind…

Well, recently, if you have been reading my blog, there has been a lot of drama. However, it all seems to be resolved though, which is a relief. And I thank all my friends for helping me through it. I’ve decided I’m going to post something lighter and silly now, which I borrowed from my friend Ashley’s blog. It’s one of those survey things where you highlight which ones belong to you. Everyone feel free to add their own, and/or recopy in their own blogs. Awesome.

YOUR BOY SIDE

You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
Shopping is torture. [heh heh... it so is not...]
Sad movies suck.
You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You have watched sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool. [hate them!!!!]
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You used to collect hockey cards.
Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors. [but this is a lot to choose from]
You love to go crazy and not care what people think. [this is a guy thing?]
Sports are fun
You talk with food in your mouth. [only the other night with Craig ]
You sleep with your socks on at night.
You have fished at least once .

YOUR GIRL SIDE

You love to shop. [too much]
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink.
You go to your mom to talk. [hmmmmmmmmm...]
You consider cheerleading a sport. If golf and gymnastics are sports, logically so is cheerleading.
You hate wearing the color black. [sexxxy women wear black???]
You like going to the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures. [I do them myself rather]
You like wearing jewelry. [and receiving!]
You cried watching The Notebook.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe. [don't they all know it....]
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies. [hasn't this been said like three times? I'm not going to highlight it again, it's getting embarrassing]
You don’t like the movie Star Wars. [wait... original? or extra crispy?]
You are/were in gymnastics
It takes you around one hour to shower [strangely, I do it fast]
You smile a lot more than you should. [um... no]
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing high heeled shoes. [when it gets me what I want with certain men.... ]
You played with dolls as child.
You like putting make-up on others. [you mean like, on geriatric rock stars? yeah!]
You like being the star of everything. [this is a GIRL thing?]
Pink is one of your favorite colors.

APPEARANCE

I am shorter than 5′5″.
I have many scars. [sort of...]
I tan/ burn easily. [these are two very different things...]
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I’ve had/have braces.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have [had] more than two piercings.
I have / had piercings in places besides my ears

EMBARRASSMENT

I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry. [MANY movies makeme cry]
I’ve snorted while laughing. [well, at least once...]
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. [why is this embarrassing?]
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I’ve had my pants rip in public.

HEALTH

I’ve had stitches.
Broken a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend. [I think? sounds familiar. Definitely took Agatha to the dentist once.... ]
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had serious surgery.
I’ve had chicken pox.

TRAVEL

I’ve driven/ridden over 200 miles in one day.
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to Canada.
I’ve been to Cuba.
I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
I’ve been to Ottawa.
I’ve gone to Sudbury.
I’ve been to the Caribbean.
I’ve been to Europe.
I’ve been to Florida.

EXPERIENCES

I’ve gotten lost in my city. [my city?]
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator. [fear of elevators!]
I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving. [like the fear of elevators!]
I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a musical.
I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
I’ve played a prank on someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.
I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. [well, I've seen it on VHS at someone's house... not the real deal]
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been snowboarding.
I’ve consumed an entire bottle of syrup. [WTF?]

RELATIONSHIPS

I’m single. [well, except the boyfriends... but single enough]
I’m in a relationship.
I’m engaged.
I’m married. [to my beliefs, my passion, my writing, and my best friends ]
I miss someone right now. [do I?]
I’ve been divorced [it feels like I have... but with less paperwork and no alimony]
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’m not sure love exists.

HONESTY/CRIME

I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve snuck out. [this survey is sooooo for teenagers... or married men?]
I’ve lied to my parents about where I am. [when it was relevant as a teenager?]
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve run a red light.
I’ve witnessed a crime.
I’ve been in a fist fight.
I’ve been arrested. [almost my friend... almost...]

MATERIALISM

I own over 5 rap CD’s.
I have an unhealthy obsession with anime.
I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece. [I wish?]
I own something from Pac Sun. [hell no]
I collected comic books.
I own something from The Gap. [nothing fits]
I own something I got on E-Bay. [hell yeah!]
I own something from Abercrombie

RANDOM

I can sing [nope!]
Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I like to rant a lot.
I watch the news. [well... online mostly]
I don’t kill bugs.
I sing in the shower.
I am a morning person. [um, no]
I paid for my cell phone ring tone. [once or twice ]
I am a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I care about grammar. [sort of... I do online!]
I have “?”’s in my screen name.
I love spam. [whoa... why?]
I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange. [isn't this, like, every color except green?]
I would wear pajamas to school.
I like Martha Stewart. [huh?]
I know how to shoot a gun.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly. [well... I used to]
I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I like white chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I’m good at remembering faces.
I’m good at remembering names. [terrible]
I’m good at remembering dates. [wait, like... romantic evenings? or like August 22, 1997? ]
I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. [Besides reunite the Monkees for a polygamous marriage with me that we have as a reality TV show on NBC. Besides that.]
All my answers were totally honest.

… Am I wrong for all I believe… God only knows and God only sees…

Recently I blogged something about someone I once loved for many years, who hurt me for many years. I feel he hurt me all those years without thought or responsibility to my well-being, and I blogged about it to vent my feelings and get feedback about what I was going through. I never had intention to hurt this person through my blog in any way, and I did nothing to disclose his identity, sharing only the painful experience I went through and writing about it. I admit, I was callous and acted above him. I acted like I didn’t care about him now, which is not entirely true. But after more than a decade of his disrespect and cruelty I felt that was not unreasonable. And I did this because I did not presently feel he cared about me, I did not feel he had any feelings invested in me, I did not feel he loved me, and I felt I was causing no harm speaking about his actions anonymously. When I weighed in my head whether it was right or wrong, I remembered that he for years spoke about me, using my full real name, to people everywhere telling them he hated me, wanted nothing to do with me, that I was sick and crazy and that he could never care about me as a human being. He would tell people I was obsessed with him and that he had no interest in me whatsoever. And I heard about this, myself, through other people who relayed this back to me, in addition to hearing it from him. He would even publicly humiliate me, telling people around us that he did not know me or care about me. I would never normally speak about anyone in my blog the way I recently did about him, but I felt it was an acceptable thing to do when I considered the entire picture.

I never had intention for him to read it and think it was about him. I never had intention for anyone to read it and know who it was about, and I don’t think anyone who did not know me VERY personally did. But I felt on some level even if he did for some reason come across it, he wouldn’t mind because I felt he did not care what I thought of him, and his recent interest in me now was simply to use me.

Recently someone who knows me and him did ask me if it was about him, and I said it was, thinking it would never be repeated nor would anything come of that. But that person relayed to him that I wrote this blog and he read it and was livid.

I admit that perhaps I was wrong to write what I did, especially when I consider the possibility that maybe he was trying to be a better person and change. And maybe I was cruel to him when he was trying to ask for my forgiveness. But he wouldn’t let me explain this to him, and instead told me never to speak to him ever again, that if I tried to contact him in any way he would delete it without reading it.

I don’t truly know what to think. I never had intention to harm him, only help myself in light of everything I went through with him. I do feel he had intention to harm me all those years, which is why his reaction really puzzles me.

I am sorry for any harm that I have caused in writing what I did.

I do hope that, even if he never speaks to me ever again, that he is changing and becoming a happier, more loving person. I do hope I did not stop the progress he was making, and that he is happy with whoever he is with, be it not me.

If he is reading this, I hope he understands why all of this happened the way it did, even if he does not speak to me again. I hope he understands that if he really is sorry for the way he treated me all those years before, I’m sorry I wrote this.

However I have a feeling he is not reading this. I guess somethings in life are just not meant to work out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… This is NOT my Batman cup.

Reality is never what you want it to be.

Seven hours of conversation with him within a twenty-four hour period. You may ask how that is physically possible, and I’ll tell you, it’s because I have not had a full time job for a month now– another added setback. Fortunately I just yesterday went to an interview, and it went really well, and so I think I have something lined up in the immediate future. However, presently, I am the epitome of someone with too much time on their hands. And I’ve used it very dangerously. So has he. But I’m not sure what his situation is.

Seven hours total of conversation until your mind is so numb you don’t know what’s going on anymore, like repeating a word over and over again until it has no meaning. He’s not an unintelligent person. No, ironically, he is one of the most intelligent people I know, a painfully appealing attribute. He’s not an unattractive person, if you look aside from certain very doomed features. He’s someone I’m deeply connected to, but despite obvious testimonies of this, such as the seven hours of mutually agreed upon conversation, it’s something he refuses to acknowledge.

Seven hours of total conversation, three of which were spent with him trying to convince me to have sex with him. To be fair, he put up a good fight. His reasons were compelling, although not even close to being good enough for me to begin realistic consideration. Apologies for the past, for the past ten years of neglect, disrespect, and inexcusable behavior, were sparingly littered through out the conversation as much as any straight man can allow himself to truly apologize for anything. I was impressed with the effort at all from him.

But he has a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long way to go.

Oh no. You don’t undo ten years with just a few hours of begging and pleading.

I already washed my hands from him years ago. I stopped caring that he lived his life as he did because I refused to have any involvement in him. I felt bad for his obvious emptiness in life, but acknowledged I had done all I could to care for him and it was up to God and him to change. I felt bad for any woman in his life, but that is her choice to make. I knew the man he was at that point was never the man I truly loved. I knew by then I was way out of his league, and he did not in treat me in any way with the gratitude I deserved [as he would not with any woman in my opinion], and I just stopped caring.

Seven hours of conversation after ten years of horrible treatment and dysfunction he tried to project upon me.

Erin and I have been discussing ways he could make it up to me, at least to gain back my respect. She suggested a public announcement on Hannity and Colmes about why he worships me, took me for granted, and wished I cared about him again, while acknowledging there’s little reason why I should at this point, would be a sufficient start. Discussion about how smart and beautiful I am could be the crux of the monologue…

OTHER people are typecast… and still *okay*.

While at the gym tonight, viciously trying to undo the gluttonous dysfunction of lazy over-indulgence and lack of exercise that notoriously ensues between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I unfortunately was left with choices of sports, news, sports, news, sports, news, something obnoxious with Jennifer Love Hewitt, an E! thing on Jennifer Aniston, and Larry King interviewing Donnie and Marie Osmond. Nothing against the news, but it frankly wasn’t what I wanted/needed to remain on that treadmill. I had to choose the Larry King interview.

Begrudgingly, I found myself amused and fascinated by their existence. Not only are they both extremely physically beautiful at their ages, but they were both seemingly rather fulfilled, content, and dare I say functional? They’re people who actually do something with their lives. You personally may not like what they do, but you have to commend them, they do it well apparently. I wasn’t paying one hundred percent attention, as I kept scrolling back through the channels and adjust the MPH on the treadmill, but they seemed to be discussing their new headlining show in Vegas. Now perhaps that isn’t everyone’s greatest dream, but I was still rather impressed that they maintained the kind of career they have, when, *ahem*… others who have had greater fame do not present the same level of functioning and life enjoyment.

I’m aware I know little about the personal lives, or the career, of Donnie and Marie, except that they are often on lunch boxes and portable record players from the 70’s that I accidentally find on eBay. It’s possible behind those scenes Donnie and Marie are brutally beating each other up. In fact, as I write this, I consider it’s likely. However, be that as it may, the fact they presented themselves as they had on Larry King alone I found to be somewhat telling. It was inspiring and yet depressing, in what it revealed about the potential of those with that kind of fame *cough*.

Alternatively, I then read this somewhat dry, revealing article about the Von Trapp family, the real life family the movie/musical “The Sound Of Music” was based on. Now I, like many a repressed child, grew up on “The Sound of Music”, and it remains an icon on my head for all that is good regarding snow, Austria, clothing made out of window curtains [don't think I haven't done it], and musicals. It makes me want to go to old ski lodges and hauses where I can appreciate the finer things in life, like edelweiss and beer [there's no beer in the musical, but I just like to picture it in this imagery]. You couldn’t have more Good Clean Fun. Rogers and Hammerstein knew what they were doing. I hope to raise my future daughter on it.

Of course, it’s no surprise, the article reveals the family’s real life was nothing like the musical. I guess you don’t need a New York Times article to tell you that, intuition alone is sufficient. But of course, it’s always sad to hear when it starkly contrasts with your imagined, or propagated ideal. And that even your enjoyment of that ideal is actually detrimental to the people who created it [the original Von Trapp family].

And it does seem that this is often, too often, the case. As I’ve clearly seen myself, for example, when I hang around the too *hard core* fans of “that band” *ahem*.

But it does seem that there can be a balance. I myself rarely let the innocent [could you get more innocent?] love for this musical as a child go beyond… I can’t even imagine what. Private happiness. The thought that crowds harass that family in real life is sad. The singing goat at the gift shop selling so well I hope was as gag gifts. I mean, yeah, I could see myself buying that for Hilary. No, probably just talking about it. While drinking. Aside from how many people who don’t know me probably view me, I really can’t understand people who obsessively need to follow and stalk celebrities to have them “prove” to they are the way their image/imaginary alter ego portrays them as [no, dating and sleeping with them does not count as this ]. I feel bad for celebrities that have to go through that. Not that bad. But bad.

Regardless, the Von Trapp family seem to handle it well. As do the Osmonds. I suppose it’s *possible*…

My head is spinning, daydream believer….

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm… I’m still slightly tipsy and my throat is sore. It’s been an unusual and enlightening weekend. My head is spinning, although perhaps not literally… What is the difference?

It seems like decades ago that I went to this Davy Jones Concert that I never linked before on As We Go Along. I’m still not quite done with it, but I’m linking it now… Other concerts and events have flown past me since, including this weekend. I should probably post things when they are more relevant. That would be nice.

Davy At Times Square

I’m going to be writing some song lyrics…

A woman has a certain look when she is on the move…

By the time many of you are reading this it will be Thanksgiving… Okay, perhaps it *is* Thanksgiving. I was supposed to be making pumpkin pie cheesecake, but clearly I’ll be doing that tomorrow. It’s amazing though.

I decided to open my site because I didn’t want to keep waiting with it closed… Although a lot of it is still a mess, some pages have sparkly new stuff though, such as As We Go Along and She Hangs Out, where you can see pictures from the Buckinghams/Turtles/Gary Pucket, etc concert and Maureen McCormick. Yeah, I got to hang out with sixties rock stars. And yeah they worshiped and doted on me. And yeah, it was pretty amazing… And it will not be the last time… My friend Jenn’s art show in upper state Connecticut on November 8th was inspiring also. Beautiful, beautiful art work of her and her friend, in a beautiful town…

I went to a Davy concert too, but it isn’t up yet… I totally missed the night when everyone was partying. I’m going to have to make up for that. I do ask you Davy, how cool can it be when I’m not there?

Jenn and I at her art show

It’s my birthday on Saturday. Disturbing. I had to get my license renewed and everything… I have to admit, the picture is much hotter than the last one, but mostly by default. The DMV still manages to massacre anyone’s looks in those photos, and somehow managed to cast strange shadows on me…

Happy Birthday also to Sophia! It’s “today”, but really it’s yesterday…